Single Mother: Perspectives from Two Continents
Last week I had the honor of sharing Kyla’s views on raising twins while still keeping her passion alive in the first Blue Belt video interview. This week we add to the story, presenting Kyla’s responses to my interview questions alongside those of Ellen, friend and single mother in the Philippines. Thanks to both for giving generously of their limited time to share their information with the world.
Tell us a bit of your background, and specifically about your path to parenthood? How old are your kids now? What about your separation from your husband? Have you tried to start a new relationship so that the kids have a father figure? What difficulties have you encountered?
Ellen: My boyfriend and I were together for more than a year when we learned I was pregnant. A couple of months after that he started showing signs that he wasn’t interested in me anymore, but I still wanted to have the baby. He had another girlfriend on the side and when I found out he didn’t admit it. He paid for the hospital bill and was out of our lives 2 months after I gave birth.
Kyla: I grew up in a single parent household and am one of 5 children. I got married in 2006 and my twins were born in 2008, and I have been a single parent since 2012.
Ellen: 5 year old son
Kyla: 6 year old special needs daughter and son
Ellen: Before I gave birth he made it clear that he will only be there for the baby. Meaning expenses and father but not as a partner/husband. He left when baby was 2 months old because he didn’t want to deal with me. That’s what he said.
Kyla: At first I went back to work and my husband stayed with the kids, but over time he put less effort into the kids and I had to stay at home more. It became clear he was not going to be the partner I needed to help raise my children. I was unhappy, and I knew that as a mom I could not take care of them as well as I needed to in the situation that we were in, and I made the decision to leave him to take care of my kids better.
Ellen: I had a relationship a couple of months after but thought I wasn’t ready so it didn’t last long. I decided to be single and focus on making a living for both of us and spend my free time with my son instead of other people and I haven’t met anyone until recently.
Ellen: Mostly finding work that will not compromise being a mother and no one to leave my son to. Asking help from parents and relatives to watch my son.
What about finances – what have you done to cut costs? What are the pros and cons of sharing a house with multiple families? Would you be open to living with your parents or other extended family? Would they be open to it? Has there been a time when you couldn’t cover your costs of living and raising your children? What do you do for health insurance? Food? Electric? Cell phone? Clothes? Gift giving? What other cost cutting tactics have you employed?
Ellen: Not buying things that we don’t need. Buying cheaper brands or alternatives for necessities.
Kyla: Sharing a house with friends, who also have kids, such that we split the cost of rent, food, etc., has been the biggest cost cutting solution.
Ellen: No privacy, quiet time or alone time. Stressful. Values, morals confuse the kid. I don’t like how and what they teach him but I have no control since I would always be at work. Whatever I teach when we’re together will be forgotten the next day.
Kyla: For the kids it has been good because they have learned to share space instead of growing up with the mentality that “this is mine, this is yours”; for me it has been good also because it has taught me to be a minimalist and get rid of everything I didn’t absolutely need. On the negative side, it is a small space and there are conflicts in personality, which can make it difficult to continue living with other people.
Ellen: I am currently living with parents. As of right now we have no choice (parents and I).
Kyla: I would be open to it, but some family members don’t have space, and with others the personality conflict would be too great. But if it were offered to me I would accept.
Ellen: So far, none yet.
Ellen: No health insurance. Thrifty.
Kyla: For food we shop primarily at Wegman’s, choosing seasonal items and using coupons to reduce cost. We also go to another supermarket which does 2 for 1 deals on a lot our protein. We only get new clothes once or twice a year, for an occasion like Christmas or Easter. Otherwise our neighbors who have children donate us clothes as their children grow out of them and we then pass them on once our kids have grown.
Ellen: I think the biggest would be his schooling. Last year I sent him to school which is walking distance from home so I wouldn’t have to hire a nanny and wouldn’t have to pay for transportation.
What have you done for income since your children were born? Does the father help? Have you received any government assistance? What about friends and family? Have you gone into credit card debt? How soon after having kids did you go back to work? Have you had to do jobs you didn’t want just to cover living expenses?
Ellen: Being employed and selling on the side either via online or bazaars.
Kyla: At first I worked in a kitchen, but that took me away from my kids too much so I eventually transitioned to working at a supermarket. I also receive help with groceries and medical for the kids from Social Services, and occasionally receive a small amount of child support from the father. I have also sold some commissioned artwork and jewelry through the local gaming community and Etsy, but only enough so far to support my skill and cover the cost of supplies.
Ellen: No. Never.
Kyla: It took a year after we separated before we could have a conversation without yelling at each other, enough for me to say that we needed help. Now we receive a small amount from him, though not enough that I rely on it for our main budget. We mainly use it to buy shoes as the kids grow out of them.
Ellen: None.
Kyla: Yes, from Social Services – they require that you have a job or are looking for a job, as they expect you to work for the help you receive. I do rely on this help, especially the medical benefit as it covers hearing aids and tests for my daughter, who is deaf in one ear. So far I have not had to ask family members for help.
Ellen: Yes. I stopped paying after I gave birth because the father left and so I had to pay for all the expenses because even if I live with parents I still give my share on utilities.
Ellen: 2 months.
Kyla: 10 weeks.
Ellen: Yes.
Kyla: Yes, I have the job at the supermarket for its flexibility in working hours and stability in helping me pay the bills, but I would rather have more time for my kids and art.
How have you held on to your passions and interests? What would be your ideal work situation? Do you think it is attainable?
Ellen: Nope. I prefer to spend my free time with my son since I have only 1 day off a week.
Kyla: To an extent yes. Art and making things with my hands has always been my passion, and I continue to make hemp jewelry and paint alternative art cards and playmats for Magic: the Gathering. I have one day per week where I can devote a lot of my energy to my art, and other days I try to make an hour or so after work and before the kids get home. (Check Kyla’s website at TheNerdyHippie.com and Facebook /HippiegirlHomemade)
Ellen: Flexible time. Maybe if I am in sales and/or self employed. Yes, attainable but takes time.
Kyla: I would like to do art full time, to have enough commissioned work to cover my living costs, so I can be home to walk the kids to school and greet them afterwards every day. I think it is attainable but it will take a lot of time and energy.
What are the main difficulties of raising children without their father? How would your raising of your kids differ if you had a husband with a stable income etc? How long did you breast feed? Diapers: disposable or cloth? Are kids as expensive as everyone makes them out to be? Health care? Vaccinations? What have you done for day care when you are away from your kids? What are your thoughts on public services – day care and schooling?
Ellen: You have to do everything and be everyone. From mom to dad to playmates to teacher etc.
Ellen: I would be raising my kid not other people. Closer and bonding with kid. I would prefer to work part time and spend more time with kids to support and guide them.
Ellen: Less than 3 months I think. Could not produce a lot of milk.
Ellen: Both. Disposable at night. Cloth the whole day so no rashes and inexpensive.
Ellen: I think yes, because you have another person relying on you for everything.
Ellen: Monthly check ups. No insurance. No hmo.
Ellen: Yes but not all of them, as there are a lot and they do cost. He’s 5 and still has vaccines that he needs. Here in the Philippines you can get free vaccines for a year from the government and after that they can still give you but depending on what’s available, so if you want complete vaccines for the kids you will have to pay.
Ellen: Last year I had a nanny but she left and usually my mother and sometimes relatives watch my son when I’m away.
Ellen: You just have to find the best day care and public school in case you want to send your kids to school here in the Philippines. Usually when looking for a job, companies prefer known schools or if you’re from public school you should have honors or from the top of your batch to be able to have a place in big companies.
What general advice do you have for single parents who want to continue learning and doing what they live but also do a good job raising their children? What would you like your children to learn from your experience?
Ellen: Look for something that works for you like flexible time to be able to have time with the kids and have time for yourselves.
Kyla: Firstly, find a support structure, family members or otherwise, people who love you and can shoulder the responsibility of raising your kids. Beyond that, just work really hard because your kids depend on you for everything. If you can keep your passion in your life, great, but remember that the kids are the most important thing, and raising them the right way may involve sacrificing doing the things you really want to do.
Ellen: Hard work and passion.
How tough life seems at times, but how admirable the both of them are for working hard to provide a good life for their kids. A real shame social services in the Philippines is so lacking..
I do think the greater acceptance of shared living with families in the Philippines makes up for and is actually preferable to government aid. There is also the theory that the benefits available in the United States actually incentivize single motherhood. As this interesting and data-packed video notes aid to single mothers has increased in lock step with the increase in single motherhood in the United States, showing that increased aid definitely does not address the root cause of the problem.